I HATE IT WHEN MY KIDS FIGHT

The Homos & the Negroes, two of my balkanized liberal voting blocs, are fighting. I hate it. Especially since they're the two groups I take for granted, since they can be counted on to vote Dem without making any demands. Unlike those goddamn unions.

Seems the Homos voted for the Community Organizer like loyal minions, but the Negroes aren't equally committed to diversity, & told the gay marriage mafia to screw themselves. Now the Homos are picking a fight with the Mormons, since they're too chickenshit to attack the Negroes openly.

Can't we all get along??

See also Dr. Laura's Advice on Sibling Rivalry

HELPING OUR AUTOMAKERS HELP THEMSELVES

WHOSE JANET IS IT?

JANET I & JANET II

I'm thrilled that under the Community Organizer, we'll have another big ole dyke named Janet protecting our country. Janet II is from Arizona,where she's been protecting illegals from right-wing phreaks who believe in borders & laws, & backed a sorry-we-pissed-you-off 9/11 memorial.

Janet I protected us from militant fundamentalists at Waco, satanic ritual abuse, & renegade 6-year-old boys. Here's hoping Janet II can protect us from the reign of terror under John Ashcroft & Alberto Gonzalez!

See also Burning Questions About Waco

LIKE I GIVE A RAT'S ASS

FOR THOSE IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE

THAT FUNNY LITTLE THING CALLED LIFE

For many long years I, Nancy, had pondered what I might do, should the Great Ring come into my hands, & behold! It was brought within my grasp. In place of the evil Bush you will set up a Queen. And I shall no longer be a mildly amusing laughingstock, but beautiful & terrible as the Morning & the Night! Dreadful as the storm & the Lightning! Stronger than the RNC! All shall love me & those who don't will feel my wrath!

(dramatic pause)

It's about f*cking time!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

TURN YOUR HEAD & COUGH

Here I am preparing my super-spectacular stimulus package, to probe & tickle the soft squishy underbelly of the inflamed economy. First, we're going to invest squillions of dollars in massive make-work public works boondoggles that can only be paid for by taxing the living shit out of businesses & corporations. Screw them!

This will cause unemployment to spike as business profits tank, but we'll put those newly dispossessed to work on the public dime, raking gravel & collecting aluminum cans & building bridges to nowhere with full benefits & every other Monday off.

Eventually there won't be enough of a private sector left to pay the bills, & we'll reach that nirvana where we're all either civil servants or on the dole, a state of liberal enlightenment also known as 'France'.

THEY ALWAYS BITE THE LEAD DOG

THE DOLE SHALL SET YOU FREE

People ask me, Nancy, what did the Community Organizer mean by 'share the wealth'? Basically, it means we're going to take care of you. You'll have everything you need. You won't have to worry about paying your bills. We're not going to take away your rights, but give you new ones: the right not to be offended, the right to make the correct choice, the right to win, the right to certain commodities to be paid for by Other People's Money.

Because you deserve it. In the New World Order, freedom will be mandatory. Tolerance will be required. The only decisions you'll have to make will be who to screw & what to eat, although we'll probably regulate that too, but it's for your own good. Because we care.

WHEN YOU JUST CAN'T RELY ON THE SUPREME COURT

MAMA, WE'RE ALL RACISTS NOW

I sincerely apologize for referring to Canada as the Great White North, & in no way intended any racial overtones. Racism is everywhere & we must be vigilant. Canadian, like socialism, is really just a code word for racism. Other code words: grandma, Britney, Pennsylvania, voodoo, flash, diversity, certain garden tools, Snipes, waffles, Florida, lying ho-bag from Hell, sludge, skinny, Thanksgiving, & otherwise innocuous phrases like shitbag Islamonutters suck ass.

In the New World Order, all these words will be regulated & require a license in order to use them.

IN EUROPE, THIS WOULD BE A HATE CRIME

NANCY'S COMPLETE GUIDE TO ECONOMICS

Failed Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney is back, telling us the Big 3 auto makers should go belly up. Bankruptcy: another failed Republican policy! Is it any wonder we're in this mess??

I, on the other hand, totally support bailing out helping the auto industry. This isn't about fiscal responsibility. These are union jobs, & union jobs mean union dues that end up in an ginormous Democratic war chest so we can get reelected. DUH.

This is the American way. After all, the Community Organizer himself says so:"I owe those unions. When their leaders call, I do my best to call them back right away. I don't consider this corrupting in any way."

See also Complete Guide to Union Corruption

MY FANS IN THE GREAT WHITE NORTH!

UNEMPLOYMENT = GROWTH

Thank goodness the Senate took my advice & voted to extend unemployment benefits. Senator Durbin said it best: "Putting money in the hands of unemployed families means they will be able to pay their rent & utility bills, buy groceries & clothe their children. It is money that will create economic growth in America."

In other words, unemployment stimulates the economy! Under my leadership, the economy will soon be very very stimulated. As for those Negative Noras who say extended unemployment benefits are simply an extended tax on business, think of it as a healthy disincentive: it's cheaper to keep people than let them go! Unemployment problem solved! Now we can get around to the really important issues, like hormone replacement therapy.

IN WHICH I SAVE THE PLANET

AND SO IT BEGINS

There is nothing wrong with your brain. Do not attempt to adjust your pants. We are controlling transmission. For the next 4 years, we will control all that you see & hear*. You are about to participate in a great experiment. We don't care how much it cost$. After all, we are not paying for it, you are. There is nothing wrong with your brain. You are about to experience the awe & majesty that reaches from my inner thighs to ... the New World Order.


*Except for AM talk radio & the blogoswamp, but we have some righteous plans for that shit